My Personal World

                                Always a Little off center

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Date of last edit: 02/01/2008 03:49:52 PM

Independence Love  Fantasy  Hate  Desire and Passion  Fear  Loneliness  Growth  Reality  Trust

So Who Am I?

Read the small print first...

I started this page to show off my writing and the family pics. It has not ended up that way, at least not here. I don't know where it will end up.

I don't think most people look beyond what they see with their eyes. I know for many it is difficult to do so. I know for me it is easy - now. I guess it is because I have changed so much in the past years. Maybe that is what I am trying to convey here - the changes that have taken place. I used to be afraid to talk about what I felt, about what was in my heart and mind, not anymore.

Some people have called me a flake, spacey, overly emotional. The first two I know I am not. The last one, I readily admit. I feel things inside my heart so easily -

This is me now
With age, I guess I have come to reflect on what is important in my life. I see things differently now. I am more cautious, yet I still trust too much.


 Me again, Sept. 19, 1977
This was back before marriage and child. I had just turned 19. Not much of a difference I guess, I just looked happier here.


Me again, August 1999
I was very happy here. But sometimes that seems a long time ago.
Independence

Independence - noun - freedom from control or influence of another or others (from Dictionary.com)

Is anyone ever free from the control or influence of others? No, no one. Not you or me or your next door neighbor.

I am learning the hard way the meaning of independence. I am married, but not in the conventional sense. I don't love him and he doesn't love me anymore. It's an agreement we have. I am slowly trying to move my finances and life into another area. I want to take care of myself and my daughter and my animals. And I really do not want my husband with me. It is like having another child in the house. A man  that is 100 pounds overweight, bi-polar, and OCD. I can't live with it anymore. I want my own life.

Maybe I sound bitter. Maybe I can't help it. Maybe things have happened that have made me learn that I am a whole person. A person that doesn't need a husband to define my world. It has been a long, rough road to this realization. And it took a loving friend and lover to show me that I am a woman worth loving, worth being alive, worth knowing. A woman that is trying to control her life, and to provide for her child. I have to thank him for everything he has done for me.

There are times I think I rely on others more than I should. But then I take a look at myself and  those around me, and I know I am not unlike them. A friend has taught me that. We all need to know that we can rely on no one else but ourselves.

We may love another person. We may rely on another person for some of the things we need. But in the end, it is just ourselves. Just who we are.

Independence, no matter where it comes from, comes at a price. The history of independence includes the sacrifice of a race or a religion or a sex. But with all the prices we pay, we come out ahead.

I have learned that my independence is from within. It is the sum of the support I get from friends and family. Without it, I would be a slave, a peon that won't fight for my life. A friend I love has shown me that. With his help, I have learned stand up and be who I always was. And it comes down to knowing that I was a person I never knew. If this sounds confusing it is because my life has been confusing. I lived for my grandparents while they were ill. I lived for a man that never loved me. I lived for my child - gave her my life. I have never really lived for myself. A friend that I love has shown me how to live for who I am - a woman that is worth loving, a woman that is independent, a woman that is a friend, a soul mate, an individual that has a heart and a mind and a soul that is worthy of loving.

Maybe I sound arrogant. Sorry. I'm not. I am only trying to get my life back.

Love

Loving is something ethereal. It does not last, no matter how much we want it to live forever. Loving one person is not something our  species is designed to do. It is a man-made idea. Where monogamy came from is based in a man-made morality, one that makes no sense. But it is here, it is with us every day and every minute of every day. What some believe is right, others believe is wrong. It comes down to a matter of choice.

 

I do not pretend to judge others and what they believe about love. Love is different for each person. It is perceived differently by each person. What one person sees as love, another may see as abuse, what someone sees as friendship and loyalty, may in fact be a love so deep that both people are oblivious to it.

 

I feel love so deeply inside me that I sometimes think it will explode like a sun going nova and burn me. I have learned so much from it. I now know what it feels like to think of someone and smile, or feel comforted, or feel anger. I found that love is not all fun. Hearts and flowers don't exist, and desire can become dormant. I don't always like the person I love, but liking and loving are not the mates most people think you must have.

 

I have loved with all my heart and soul. But I have been in love only twice. I found out the first was not reciprocated, and the second I lost because I forgot how to be a woman and a lover. Maybe one day he will believe in me. Both have caused pain and heartbreak.  I have realized that love, and all that comes along with it, must sometimes be hidden. The hiding hurts inside so badly that there are times I want to rip my heart out so that I can't feel anything anymore. But then something happens that makes all of the hiding worthwhile and I smile and tell my self that one day it may be different, I may be able to tell him I love him and just maybe I'll be loved back. I think it all comes down to whether you respect someone and can love them without imposing conditions, even if you don't like what they say or do. Because no matter what, the love stays.

I know loving someone can cause pain. I have felt it. Pain so excruciating that you want to curl up and disappear from life. But I don't disappear. I go on. Loving, but with one more little place in my heart with a locked door. This part of me that can love that deeply is part of who I am. Of what I am. I am cautious now. The pain effects even me. But I can love and I still give my love unconditionally.

I am not afraid to love. It surprises me how many people are frightened of loving or being loved. They can't let others get close because of the pain they have felt in the past. And because they are afraid of the pain they may feel in the future. That is a pity. They have no idea what they are missing. There can be so much joy in being in love, if only for a little while. It can make it all worthwhile, all the other pain, sorrow, and mundane portions of your life. Being in love can make you see things with a better heart, with a compassion you may not know you had.

I have seen people run from love, back away in fear or fight it because they are afraid that love means possession. They are wrong. I have learned that truly loving someone means you let them be themselves, let them have a life of their own outside of you, and trust them and take what time you have with them and cherish it, because one night you may roll over to find the space next to you is cold and empty, and you will never touch their warmth again. I have also learned that even though it is nice to hear someone say it,  if they don't say the words I love you, you still know they do. I haven't heard the words in a very long time, but I know out there somewhere, someone is in love with me. Because isn't that what all people hope for? That just one person loves them?

I have not given up on love, I just know it is as elusive as a dream.

And I know it is a dream I may never realize in this life or it is a dream I will find around the next corner. And for some people it is standing right in front of them and they never see it till it's too late, and then it's gone.
Fantasy 

Sometimes I think that the world was designed to cause people to fantasize. With everything that is going on today, it is a frightening place for some of us. Our fantasies are a way for us to cope with the harshness of reality and the ugliness that surrounds some lives.

For me, I create my fantasy world to allow me to escape, if even for a moment into a place where I feel the world is happy again. It is like having spring fever, I feel young and alive and able to face anything. The reality of my world is hard and cold. It is a world where I am scraping by. But for all that, I still see the fantasy of it. In my friend, my family, my writing. I have always tried to balance my life, to have some part of me that belongs to just me. A part that I give freely to those I choose and not to someone that wants to take from me. I have found that giving that part of me, the part that is happy and sees the best in a person not just the worst, is easy for me.

Someone told me that love is a fantasy that doesn't last. While that may be true for some, it isn't for me. In my heart is a place where unicorns exist, a fantasy world of peace and connection with myself. It is a place where I can love and be loved without the restrictions put on me by society. I take myself there sometimes and it helps to balance me, to give me a sense of myself. In my fantasy world soul mates exist and love is returned. It is where the gentle touch on my face by a lover's hand speaks of love and trust.

I find my fantasy world at the strangest moments, when I wake in the night and sit there, unable to sleep because of the worries I have. I can visit that world and watch the slow breathing of the man beside me, a man I love and respect and trust, and it will lull me back to sleep. And I can feel his arms around me, sheltering me from the reality I know will come when I wake. It is not a world I visit often, and it is not a world I want to live in. But it is a place for me to gather myself back together and to give me a respite from the hate and anger of the world today. 

I feel sorry for those people that don't have or want such a world.  It is not that I see rainbows at every turn, I don't. I see the reality, I live in it every day of every year. But I know that I need to escape sometimes, I need to go away and be someone other than who I am. I always come back to the real world and face what I have to face, but in that world I create in my fantasy I can feel free, loved. That is something the real world has yet to be able to give me, or if it has it is hidden behind fear and anger and I can't see it.  Maybe one day it will show itself and I will feel that it is right, that the fantasy is a reality.

Iris - courtesty of Stephanie Pui-Mun Law and www.shadowscapes.com
Trust

What is trust all about? You trust your parents to take care of you when you are young, you trust your friends to actually be friends, you trust your lover to not lie to you, you trust yourself to do what is right and to listen to your heart. But is any of this true? Is any of this what really happens?

I have found recently that my trust in people has been betrayed. Friends.... people I trusted and loved... have proved to be out for themselves and friendship and respect and trust be damned. I am not bitter or angry, but I am hurt.

I have always believed in people, always trusted. Maybe trusted too much sometimes. But for most people in my life that trust has proved to be earned and returned. I have been hurt by those I have trusted, but then I trust everyone until they prove me wrong. Because of this I have ended up hurt many times. My heart bears the scars of all those hurts. But still I trust.

I suppose it comes down to thinking the best about people. It comes down to wanting to believe that if I treat people with respect and trust, they will treat me the same way. Yes, I have betrayed some of the trust put in my by others, so I am no less guilty of causing pain than any other. And to anyone I have ever hurt, I am sorry, I never meant to.

I love my friends as if they were family and I trust them. I am a bit more cautious now, but I am still trusting. It gets me in trouble sometimes because I cannot see when someone is not truthful or is playing games with me. But in the end I am not the one that loses. I still have my self-respect, something that the other person loses by betraying the trust I put in them. There are times I have lost respect for myself and beaten myself up about it. I will forever regret any of the pain I have caused anyone.

But I still trust, and I still love, and I try to do the best I can. That is all anyone can ask of themselves.

  

Is there hate in my heart, in my mind? Maybe, for some things. But I am not sure anymore what is hate and what is just sadness.

 

I feel sadness for what I thought was my life and wasn't, what could have been and never was, for what could be and may never happen.

 

I feel something you could call hatred for those that gave me the nightmares I see in my sleep sometimes. But it is not the kind of hatred I have seen burn in the eyes of some people. It is more a regret that I had something taken away from me that can never be replaced.

 

I believe I may pity, more than hate. In the end, they have lost a lot more than what they stole from me. They lost their heart and their compassion, and without that they are among the walking dead.

 

Can I hate? I don't know. I suppose if you can love, you can hate. And I do love. Deeply. So, I suppose I can hate just as deeply. But it is my passion for life, my compassion and love for others that tempers any hate I may feel. It allows me to hold the hatred in a private place where it can't hurt me or those around me.

 

Desire and Passion

Ah, Desire and Passion. Feelings that can take you to the highest point you can imagine or make you die by the hand of jealousy and rage.

 

I am passionate about many things.  Mostly family, friends, love, life. It is a fault with me. I show my passions too much sometimes. And I pay for it with tears and heartache.  Desires drive me. The desire to succeed. The desire to be more than what I am. And mostly the desire to live and experience things I have never experienced before. 

 

Life is boring for the most part. Like others I live in that world, but there is a part of me most do not see, the part driven by my desires, by my passions. It places me in situations not normal for most people. These feelings drive me to be different, more than what I thought I could be.

It gives me a different life, one most people would never understand. And one I cannot explain. I will not make excuses for my life or try to rationalize it. I love who I love, I see what I see, and my life is my own to a certain extent.

 

I know I can never truly be the owner of my life, or the controller of my own destiny. By using my desires and passions I am able to shape what will happen to me in the future. Whether those feelings make my future a bright one is yet to be seen.

 

My passion has taken me to the heights of pleasure and crashed me back to earth with a broken heart and a shattered existence. Then it is my desires that have repaired me. The desire to be whole again, the desire to feel love again. I keep those fresh in my mind. And I have always learned to love again.

 

This Desire I feel  has given me some of the greatest times of my life. Times that are hot, full of life, full of loving. Both desire and passion have shown me that I am a mixture of many things. I am different with different people. There are people in my life that fulfill my greatest desires and passions. One man has made me believe in what I am by being a support when I needed it, my best friend, my partner, my lover. And I will be forever grateful for the unconditional love given to me. We ask nothing of each other, and nothing is given, except what each of us is able to give, the heat and fire of our Passion and Desire for each other.

 

These feelings are a big part of my life. It is me, and those who know me accept it, accept me, accept my life the way it is, or they are not with me. It is part of who and what I am now. I know that what I do, what I say, who I love could cause repercussions that would shock many and alienate me from some of the people in my life. They would not understand or approve because, for them, desire and passion are buried under the conventions of their society. It is a society built on the repression of our personal desires and passions and the only goal is to make it through the next day or year or century with as little pain to ourselves as possible. It is a society I lived with for over 25 years, and one I secretly rejected and never dared to openly rebel against. That has changed now.

 

I am a believer in discretion, but for myself, I no longer live in that society inside my heart. I have let my desires grow and mature. I have learned that my passion tells me I am a lover, a woman that loves deeply, a person in my own right with a life of my own. And with the help of a man I respect and admire, I have learned that living a life and being alive are two totally different things. I have learned to be passionate about life and love and desire, because I know now that it can disappear in the blink of an eye. I no longer want to just exist, I want to live.

 

If just one person remembers me in their life as being part of their passions and desires, if I make any difference in that life, then everything I do and everything I am has been worth all the pain and sorrow I may feel.

 

I am happy with the way I am for the most part, and I guess at the end of my life that is what will matter most, and I hope what will be remembered about me.

Fear

 

 

Fear. It can be your greatest enemy or it can drive you to do things you would never do under normal circumstances. For me, it makes me do things I would not normally attempt. I figure if I am afraid of something then I should learn to face it, to beat it. I have a saying -- "Don't let the bastard win." Fear is the unacknowledged, fatherless child of our basest emotions. It is the one thing that can eat your heart and soul and destroy you and those around you.

 

Unlike hate, fear is focused inward. I have felt fear so acute that I froze and I was unable to move. I have felt fear that caused me to fight back with every inch of my body to survive. And I have felt fear that left me numb inside, retreating until I felt nothing, not the pain, not the horror, not the degradation. Nothing.

 

As I have grown older, I have learned to control the fear I feel sometimes. I try to use it now instead of it using me. I fight it. I have learned that fear is only in the mind, not the heart. It is an emotion to laugh at and face. I don't always succeed, but at least I try.

 

There are times it still controls me. I am afraid to skydive, but then jumping out of a plane at 12,000 feet is not exactly my idea of fun. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of that stranger following me in the dark. I have mostly common fears everyone has at one time or the other. Those are fears that keep me safe. And I have also learned that heeding my fears helps me to deal with them and makes me a more honest person. I can admit things now that I never would have admitted before.

 

 
Loneliness

There are times in my life that I have been so lonely I thought I would die. I would sit at the window and stare at the people outside, watching them go about their lives, wondering why I was the only one not out there in the sun and wind.

The isolation I feel sometimes makes me pull away from people, causing my own loneliness. It is no one's fault but mine. I have also let others isolate me, keep me from having friends and good times unless it was with them. I was married to one such as that. He controlled me, and in my stupidity I let him. I thought that was what love was all about. I have learned that loneliness is only caused by what we do to ourselves or what we let others do to us, but in the end it still comes back to your personal self. We are responsible for our own loneliness.

I am not a beautiful woman, but I can hold my own. I know that now. Before, I always was told I was not good-looking enough to be the object of anyone's desire. As I look back I see I was wrong. There were friends of the man I married that said things, hinted, and even tried to seduce me. But because I let myself be isolated, I felt alone, as if I had no worth, no beauty, no appeal except to the man I married. I threw away my youth believing that. I wasted so much time being lonely while standing in a crowd of people, that I lost my youth and became an old woman before my time.

That has changed now. I am, in chronological years, an old woman in my 40's, but in my heart, my spirit, I am finally young. And with this youth comes the knowledge that I have never been alone, never really been lonely, as long as I had myself. It has taken years for me to break away and finally realize this, but I have. Is it too late for me now?

I don't think so.

Growth

I have realized that each of us grow and change. I have learned now that love is not all passion, it is a feeling that makes you know you are sure of the other person, that you trust them and believe in them.

In the past few months things have changed for me - mostly for the better. I have become excited that I have realized I love and that I am loved back and that there are no conditions set on that love. I am loved for me, not for what I can give or for how much money I have, but just for me. It has been a growth process for me, a realization that I am not one of those that may never know love. I know it may not last last forever, but for now I am happy and I am making someone else happy, that is what counts.

I have no wish to possess. I never have. I like my independence. But I am loyal and when I love someone it is that loyalty that guides my decisions. I do not know if I have ever betrayed anyone on purpose, if I have, I am sorry for it. It was done without conscious thought. As I grow I realize that I have made a lot of mistakes with people I love and it has caused them to go away. For that I will never forgive myself. I never want to hurt anyone. Especially those I love.

I have watched those around me grow and change too. Some for the good some for worse. But for each person, growth is different. Change is different. And sometimes it is hard to accept. I have always loved deeply, and I love that way now. But for me it has changed. It feels different inside now. It is hard to explain, and for someone that lives by the words they write, that is an odd thing. The love I feel isn't driven by passion alone, although that is a big part of it, it feels good inside when I am with him. It feels comfortable, right. And although it may not last forever, right now it is enough. It just feels good that I can talk and tell him things that I can't tell anyone else. I have no secrets from him, no lies. It is strange, it is the first time I don't have to pretend with someone.

I don't need him to be whole, but I want him in my life as my friend and lover. But I also want my space, to be who I am, to do things outside of our times together.

Reality

I have always thought that the world we see around us is what is real. We touch, taste, smell, and hear. But I have come to realize that reality is what each of us perceives in our mind.

There are those in hospitals that believe their reality consists of demons or aliens or of the dreams we see only in our sleep. So does that make their reality any less than ours. They believe they see and touch and smell and hear these things and, for them, it is real. I am not saying it is normal, or healthy, I am just trying to make a point that each of us is just a little insane, each of us sees the world differently and sees a reality that may not be exactly what the man sitting next to you on the tram will see when he looks around.

It is part of being an individual, part of being human. I look at a sunset and may want to cry from the beauty I see, while someone else may only see the darkness that the setting of the sun will bring. I see a joyous time of fire and passion, while they may see the fear and unknown things that lurk in the darkness of their world. My reality is one thing, theirs is another.

I would never try to force anyone to see the way I do, to perceive their world and their reality as I see mine. To do so would be grossly unfair and would destroy the individuality that makes that person. I once told someone I had just met that the beauty I saw as the sun set around us made me want to cry and the clouds looked like painting on fire from the sun. He didn't laugh at me, but I think he thought I was a little crazy. I may be. I don't know. I only know that my reality consists of the beauty I see around me... and the ugliness.

I am as guilty as anyone for seeing the world with jaded eyes and a closed mind. And I dare anyone to say they have not turned away from the ugliness in this life or locked their door at night to keep out the things they fear may be lurking in the dark. That is normal. We live in a world that is filled with hate, fear, and ugliness. But to let that be our reality everyday of our lives is wrong. There is beauty out there, and peace, and every day I take a few minutes to remind myself of it. I look at the dragonflies flying around the bushes at work, or the storm clouds that roll in every afternoon with their lightening and thunder and I see beauty in them, if even for a moment. THAT is my reality... to know that there is life that is good and beautiful and angry and sad and so many other things that make ME who I am. A woman with many sides and many feelings and more views of what is real in my life, than what may be out there if I allow myself to fear the dark or the thunder or the bee that might sting me on the hand. It's all in how you see your own reality, how you view yourself and your life.

I am not always happy and content. I am sad and angry and frustrated just like anyone else, but in my reality I know that deep inside me I am happy with the course I am on, happy with the people in my life... if I wasn't I would not be able to write this, for truth, like reality, is sometimes hidden inside, and I think only those that are content with the knowledge that each of us see things differently and each of us lives in their own reality will be able to understand that what is real to me may be fantasy to others. Reality  is in your own  heart and mind.

So Who Am I?

 

What is it that makes a person who they are? I am not sure how or why I am what I am now.

 

I know I am a Writer - good - bad - I am not sure which.

 

I know I am a Mother - good - bad - I don't know that one either.

 

I am also a lover, a friend, a partner, a therapist, a woman. If I am good or bad at any of these, it doesn't really matter.

 

None of that individually defines who I am. Each person is a combination of the complexities of their upbringing, society, school, experience, and mental capacity.

 

I am what you see, nothing more, nothing less. I try to be as good and honest a person as I can. But, as with anyone, goodness and honesty do not always exist all the time.

 

I like to think I am a bit different than most. Not unique. I have met others like me, just different.

 

It is my heart and my mind and the fact that I have the capacity and the will to love that makes the difference.

 

On a very strange note, I had a thing done on the internet that said it could read my future. It said

Your destined time of death is 17th of January 2005. But do not fear, it will be beautiful and silent.

Damn, I wanted to go out in a blaze of glory making love to a younger man. ;-P

 

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02/01/2008 03:49 PM -0700
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